WARNING: spanking machine

We're paying some people to hit your hiney

🔥 11 weeks until we get weird in Los Angeles 🔥

🗓️ Friday, July 14th 🗓️

Hey look so

We’ve booked the finish line for the rally and it’s everything you sloppy little yuck muffins could dream of

it’s in the desert

there’s a pool

and there’s a bunch of gleefully sadistic locals who we gave paddles to, and who will gleefully slap your cheeks while also gumming chicken wings

it won’t be hygienic but also ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway, look.

a) I’m not kidding

b) There are 13 Teams signed up already.

That’s 13 collections of very pretty people who are excited to make very stupid choices!

That’s about 50 idiots give or take!

👉 Get your tickets here. 👈

Each ticket covers one vehicle.

Cram your whole crew in there.

That also won’t be hygienic, but once again: 𓂺

🔥 do i have to do everything ugh fine here, get inspired 🔥

🔥 How to find a team 🔥

There comes a time in every person’s life where they don’t have any friends.

Or at least, not any friends who’ll join you for a 24hr 500-mile costumed road romp across California. And sometimes Nevada. And sometimes Arizona.

That’s ok, loser.

You can still rally.

if you DON’T have a team, here are two ways to find a team:

• Join the Facebook Group and post in the team-finding thread

• Respond to the Substack team-finding chat

Helps to tell people where you are and what skills you bring to the table. Like if you don’t fart. That would be a valuable skill for a long car ride!

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🔥 Places we’ve trespassed 🔥

Clausland Tunnels

Every rally takes competitors through 500(ish) miles of curious and weird and creepy and sometimes sliiiightly illegal to explore locations. This is one of those locations.

This is one of the entrances to the Clausland Tunnels.

We went here in 2021.

The last New York rally.

Fuckin cool place man.

Check it out:

There is a place, a very evil place. It was the scariest place I have ever been to in my life. I was reminded of traveling to this evil place by my friends. There are tunnels located at the top of Clausland Mountain in Orangeburg. My friend took me there about four years ago and I have yet to return. He also gave me all of the knowledge about this place I am about to tell you.

He said the tunnels were originally built as an army base during WWI in case of invasion. They were also used for drills and training. There are miles of tunnels throughout the mountain. Visible concrete walls run through the woods. Each tunnel also has another tunnel under it. There are many secret caverns and rooms throughout the passageways. Some are collapsing and one tunnel you must crawl through a rotted tree to get into. There are also bomb shelter rooms and rooms under rooms called hell holes.

I’ve heard that dead bodies are often found in this area. Suicides are common, as are dumped homicide victims. My friend also told me of a dead cop with ties to the mob, who was stabbed 80 times and raped with a metal pole, whose body was found here. He said the police never go back there.

Many times he has seen much satanic evidence such as fire rings. Most people say the whole place is haunted. My friend’s English teacher’s daughter in high school blew her brains out with a shotgun in one of the hell holes.

On the brighter side, if you visit the tunnels, there is much great graffiti from crews like NVSP, 076, DMS, First Crew, and ABK. Other local writers such as Domain and Rook also have pieces there.

So yeah, here at Rental Car Rally enterprises, we’re all about family fun.

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🔥 Wait what the actual fuck? 🔥

Rental Car Rally is the world’s firstiest and absurdiest 24-hour, 500-mile, city-to-city road rally and carnival. The whole deal is we dress up in stupid costumes and visit curiously odd locations while occasionally throwing eggs at each other.

Edify thyself up at rentalcarrally dot com.

There are plenty of videos of past rallies for you to watch.

You can check out a few previous routes.

Also: pics of how people kitted out their vehicles.

🔥 Tell all your friends🔥

Be a helpful, mayhem-loving person and forward this to every miscreant you know. We welcome clowns, weirdos, hooligans, ne’er-do-wells, fruitcakes, nutcases, screwballs, crackpots, geeks, misfits, kooks, loons, queer ducks, rare birds, people who love road trips, people who love odd pit stops, and people who enjoy feting themselves and others in all manner of chicanery.